Divorce

Welcome back, everybody!

This will be the last weekly blog post. We have come pretty far. Throughout these weeks, we have learned a lot about families and their role in communities. Today we will talk about divorce, and we will try to bust some myths.

The first one is that most divorces result from “irreconcilable differences.” Neal Jacobsen and colleagues demonstrated that those marriages that were well on their way to dissolution had an average of 10 areas of significant incompatibility. This stood out in sharp contrast to those who report having high levels of marital satisfaction; they reported—on average—ten areas of significant incompatibility.

The second is that 50% of all American marriages end in divorce. The number is actually much smaller. The authors of an entire book dedicated to the topic of collecting and analyzing American divorce stats claim it is less than 25% for couples married in the last decade.

Another common is that if a spouse will ever have an affair, him/she would be kicked out. The data suggest that 63% of Americans whose partner had an affair chose to save the marriage. 50% of these report that they managed to create a marriage better than the one they had before the affair occurred/was revealed.

I hear many friends saying that most divorcees are glad they ended the marriage when all was said and done. One study demonstrated that 70% of couples who said their marriage was “very unsatisfactory” later called their marriages “satisfactory” or “very satisfactory” simply by holding on for five years. In one study, 70% of Americans polled two years after the divorce stated that they could have saved the marriage and should have saved the marriage. It may not be coincidental, but 70% of divorced men are remarried by the end of that second year.

Another myth is that divorce is better for the kids rather than living with two parents who no longer love each other. However, there are a lot of things to take into account. For example, divorce and remaining married and hate are not the only two options. In addition, after a divorce, dads often disappear from their children’s lives, and usually not by design. We’ve already demonstrated the value of fathers in the lives of their children. In one study of divorced families fathers lived an average of 400 miles from their children when they were twelve years old. Fathers are often forced to move away to get a better paying job; the law often requires them to support two households, and the income was inadequate. By age twelve, children often seem disinterested in their fathers as they go with friends and participate in organized activities more on weekends.

Common results of separation include increased hopelessness, resentment, and blame. As well as a decreased commitment to something that is no longer available anyway. In addition, supports for the individuals will increase, where support for the couple will decrease. They will not work on the relationship between mom-father-children because divorce brings a lot of disruption in the family dynamic. 

I’ve never experienced a divorce in my life, but I’ve seen many friends going through the pain of seeing their parents packing and leaving the house. They feel unstable, forgotten, and misunderstood. They may struggle to find a balance between spending time with dad and spending time with mom. I saw them growing up without boundaries, rules, and secure love. They carry on wounds and bruises of the conditional love their parents showed to them. They don’t know what a successful marriage looks like because they have learned that there is not as such. When things don’t work out, the easiest and fastest way to deal with i is to divorce. How wrong they are!